Weird reasons people divorce

When couples who are truly in love get married; they usually dont envisage divorce, but along the line for many, one thing or the other may force them to ultimately go their separate ways. As much as it is not a strange thing to divorce, there are strange reasons that many people have given for wanting to divorce their spouses. Medinat Kanabe reports.

Muhammed and Fathia dated for 10 years before getting married. During the period of their

courtship, they were the cynosure of friends. Everybody wanted a relationship like theirs and even their parents could not wait for Muhammed to start working so that he can marry Fathia.

But after four years of marriage, they began to have issues and later separated after their third child; eight years after. The problem until today is not known by anyone as neither Muhammed nor Fathia can say exactly the reason for their separation. When asked, Muhammed says Fathia is lazy and selfish, while Fathia on the other hand says Muhammed is stingy and flirtatious. These reasons according to a family source who spoke with The Nation are too little for them to divorce. The source said families have concluded that their separation is spiritual and that with prayers they will get back together soon. For Asekhamhe and Susan, it was a lie told before marriage that led to their separation.

According to a source, who is a friend of Asekhamhe: “My friend tells too much lies. He was squatting but told Susan that the house belonged to him; he would borrow a friend’s car and tell her that the car belongs to him; after marriage she found out he didn’t own any of those things so she divorced him immediately.”

Olalekan Olayiwola, a businessman and Selimot, a teacher got separated because Selimot said she can’t cook three times a day and Olalekan had to start cooking for the family.

“My wife insisted that she can’t cook for me thrice a day. She prepares only breakfast and leaves me to sort myself for the remaining of the day. She gets back home from work around 6:00 pm everyday and her complaint ever is that she’s tired and needs to rest.

“Many times I sweat it out in the kitchen, but she’s not just bothered.”

On the other hand, Selimot said her husband was just being inconsiderate.

“I’m a teacher; I leave home early in the morning and return around 6:00 pm. Before leaving for work, I ensure his breakfast is served and when I return in the evening, though tired, I drop my bag and rush into the kitchen to prepare him dinner.

“When he started complaining that he was missing his lunch and went further to report me to his family members, I was advised to prepare him both breakfast and lunch before leaving home in the morning.

 “I took to this counsel and kept his lunch in a warmer, but he was still not satisfied.”

The paternity of the last child of Florence Iyanda who was married to Samuel Iyanda was the cause of their separation.

According to Samuel, he is AA and his wife is AS so her last child who is SS can’t be his child.

“My ears are full of my wife’s immoral acts and despite catching her red-handed on some occasions with her lovers, she still insists she has never been unfaithful to me.

“My genotype is AA, she is AS, but to my surprise, our last child is SS. I have asked her times without number who the father of this child is and she kept lying the boy is mine.

“My wife takes alcohol. She drinks both hot drinks and beer.  I have often warned her against this habit, but she refused to desist from it. She still drank the small bottle of hot drink before she went to bed yesterday night. This is the empty bottle.” (He brought it out as evidence).

Florence refuted her husband’s claim.

“The man he met in my room is a battery charger; his workshop is near my shop. I was sick the day my husband travelled and I went to the hospital. The battery charger saw how weak I was and helped me home. We both came in few minutes before my husband returned.

“He lied that I take alcohol. I have never tasted alcoholic drink in my life. The first time I did was yesterday night, and I did so because it was cold,” she said.

“I gave my husband the whole of my heart the day we got married. No other man has ever seen my nakedness, so the claim that I was dating another fellow or fought with a woman over her husband does not arise.

“It’s true I’m AS, my husband is AA while our last child is SS.  I don’t think it should be an issue of concern to my husband because science has proved it is possible. In fact, my sister also has a similar case.”

Lack of conjugal bliss

Kate Ude, 32 recently pleaded with a FCT High Court, Jabi to dissolve her four-year-old marriage to her husband, Michael Ude, over malfunctioning of his manhood.

She alleged that Michael’s manhood always has inconsistent erection and that anytime his manhood becomes erect, he ejaculates within a few seconds which was not expected of a real man.

She also alleged that he did not make known his health status before the consummation of their marriage which took place in Calabar, Cross River, in 2014.

In his response, Michael who also filed a cross petition to divorce the woman, denied all the allegations, when cross examined by the petitioner’s lawyer, Mr Ishaka Awaliene.

“The non-erection of my manhood is not regular, it is just that I am not always in the mood whenever she is ready.  I don’t use any enhancement drugs for sex as she alleged,” he said.

Early in the year, an online news platform published a story of how a woman filed for divorce from her husband because he talked too much and couldn’t keep any secrets to himself. “My husband has no trust in me,” she said. “Instead he shares his problems with friends and relatives who will mislead him.”

After 23 years of marriage, Bola James told an Idi-Ogungun Customary Court at Agodi, Ibadan, that her mother was aware of her extra marital affair and is seeking divorce as she is in love with another man.

According to the News Agency of Nigeria (NAN), Bola is seeking divorce on the grounds of joblessness and laziness on the part of her husband, Gbenga.

“My lord, my husband’s lazy habit pushed me into having an affair with another man who is assisting me to cater for my family. My mother knows about the affair.

“Gbenga lives with me in the house I built with my sweat; he is jobless and not ready to do any work. I shoulder all my family’s responsibilities.”

Responding, Gbenga pleaded with the court not to grant the request.

“My lord, I still love my wife; my love for her is still intact. Don’t grant her request for divorce. It is the current economic situation that is affecting my business and finances; I promise to find another means of livelihood,” the electronic repairer told the court.

Rasheed and Rofiat Salami went to a court to seek divorce where Rasheed stated that his wife fights like a mad dog while Rofiat said he owes her N400, 000.

Rasheed thus pleaded with the court to dissolve their union and grant him custody of their children saying he has known no peace since he got married to Rofiat eight years ago.

“My wife can fight from dawn to dusk and not get tired. She fights like a mad dog. If she’s not fighting me, she’s fighting our neighbours. After fighting me at home, she will come to my office again to fight me. I have almost lost my job,” he said.

On her part, Rokiat told the court that her husband proves to be a man by beating her every now and then.

“Few weeks ago, he beat me to a state of coma. I later reported him at Sango Police Station. He was arrested and made to write an undertaking that he would never beat me again,” she stated.

“I can’t remember when last he gave me and our children feeding allowance. His family members know about this.

“My husband has no shame; he’s fond of borrowing money from me and would never make a refund which is taking its toll on my business. He is presently owing me N400, 000 which is the sum total of all I lent him.”

‘The place I draw the line is violence’

A Senior Lecturer, Consultant Psychiatrist and Clinical Psychologist with the Obafemi Awolowo University Teaching Hospital, Dr Boladale Mapayi says communication, tolerance and forgiveness are what couples need to make marriage work.

After confessions of love and later marriage, what is that thing that can make people decide to divorce?

A lot of factors can lead to the decision to call it quits in marriage. I think everyone comes into marriage with really high expectations, people want their marriages to survive, to thrive…but life happens. One important factor is a disconnect between our expectations coming in and the reality that hits us within marriage. For a lot of couples; our backgrounds, origins, temperaments are different and those same characteristics that were endearing become irritants in everyday life. Even for couples who spent enough time talking through their desires and expectations, the reality is often different. Another important factor is that sometimes people do not get the help they need when they get into trouble. It is culturally and religiously accepted that marriage is between two people and as much as possible outsiders should not be allowed in. A woman talking about her marriage to an outsider is seen as unwise. While it might be dangerous to share intimate details of your marriage with friends and family (often because it is difficult for them to be neutral) it is often helpful to talk through your issues with a properly trained professional (often a psychiatrist, clinical psychologist, counsellor or social worker) please underline the word properly trained. The third important factor, though not the least that I would mention is that couples stop communicating with each other. Communication is the soul food of any marriage and once that is lost, the end is near. Of course, there are numerous others, money and sex topping the list. Extended family issues, children or the lack of them, infidelity, boredom and intimate partner violence, the list is almost endless.

We have heard of cases where a man ties his wife and flogs her, what can warrant this; psychologically speaking?

The family violence prevention fund defined IPV as a pattern of assaultive and coercive behaviour that may include inflicted physical injury, psychological abuse, sexual assault, progressive social isolation, stalking, deprivation, intimidation and threats (Family Violence Prevention Fund 1999). It is prevalent in most societies, Nigeria inclusive and about one in three women globally have experienced violence in an intimate relationship. Perpetrators are overwhelmingly males though often in a relationship violence is mutual (though females tend to report more adverse consequences). That being said, men can also be victims of IPV.

Factors like education, employment, use of psychoactive substances have been associated with IPV. In relationships where the woman is completely dependent on the man, violence is more common.

Some others have lived with violence all their lives and even when they believe they will do better, they have had violence modelled and in a stressful situation they often revert to what they have seen all their lives, violence.

The worst thing you can do to your children is allow them to grow up in an atmosphere of violence in the home. It stays with them for a lifetime and the intergenerational theory of violence is born. A lot of women stay in abusive homes because of their children, actually, that is the number one reason why you should get out….fast!

What advice do you have for people who want to go into marriage to prevent divorce?

Communicate! Communicate! Communicate! Talk about your expectations before marriage; be willing to compromise in marriage. Never let the fire go out, something drew you together in the first place, never let that go.

Men need to let go of the ideology that culture allows them to be polygamous. If that was not the deal then it’s hurtful and disrespectful and there is no excuse for it. Just so the men know, the woman can do the same and they are better at hiding it. If you marry a woman who believes that gender roles are fluid then you should be ready to compromise when it comes to house chores and children, especially when you are both in the formal workforce. Both of you are the most important people in the relationship, do what works for you, no comparisons.

Can you state reasons that people have given for divorcing that you feel was not enough to warrant a divorce?

The place where I draw the line is violence. For me, every other reason is debatable. You often find in therapy that once couples are willing to work out and talk through their differences, there is always hope especially if the two of them want to save their marriage and put everything into it. A little bit of love, forgiveness and a big heart (not cardiomegaly) will go a long way in healing the past and forging a stronger bond.

Do you see couples who are at the verge of divorcing and what do you tell them?

Yes. I see a lot of couples on the verge of divorce and the first question is what do you want? You must have an expectation and it must be realistic. The second important question is what are you willing to do to achieve that goal? That is where we start to know where we are going. Sometimes though you have one person showing up for therapy, usually the woman and the partner couldn’t care less. This is my personal experience and my professional colleagues may disagree with me. I usually go the same route and work with the individual but it is much more difficult.

Have you ever advised a couple to divorce and why?

As I said earlier, if there is violence, especially physical violence that endangers the life of the woman, then the advice is usually a period of separation while we work with the individuals to see what can be done to prevent future violence.

‘Forgiveness is important in relationships’

A marriage counsellor, Pastor Tinu Oyenuga talks about the place of forgiveness in a home.

I don’t agree with anyone who says that divorce rate is increasing. Although I know that there are things that can lead to divorce and I believe that intolerance and lack of communication is one of it.

“People tend to spend so much time with their electronic gadgets that they hardly have enough time to develop good relationship with other people so you find out that in many homes, the man is on his phone, the woman is on her phone; and the home lacks attention.

“They don’t even give attention to the children; so the major problem is not communicating. They both may want to communicate but they are so preoccupied with their electronic gadgets.

 “Another thing is that when you look at the home, the roles that the husband and wife are supposed to play are there. The traditional role that the man is the provider of the home, but because of the economic challenge that we have all over the world and the inability of the woman to compromise providing economic leadership as well as submission.

 “If I am the one managing the economics of the home, why should I be submissive to a man that is not able to make resources available to the home?

“It takes somebody who is deep in faith and focused in faith to be submissive to somebody who is unable to play his role. I think inability to carryout role play has impacted on marriage negatively.

“There are some people who are just living together because of rent; or to keep up public appearance. Some people will say that peer pressure causes divorce; personally I don’t agree with that because I believe there is less of peer pressure now as a grown-up  knows for sure what he or she wants and thinks for themselves.”

first published in The Nation of January 7, 2018