Sex: A wife’s weapon

From time immemorial, women have been said to be weaker than men in many ways; this reason makes some men treat their wives badly. Ironically, researches show that in sexual intercourse, men are weaker than women. Could wives have found a way to punish their husbands? Medinat Kanabe finds out in this report.

A recent research by professors of psychology, Kathleen Catanese, and Roy F. Baumeister, concluded that men masturbate more than women; they take more risks and incur more costs for sex. They want sex more often than women, whether one is talking about young couples or people who have been married to the same person for forty years. Men also want more different partners than women want, and men like a greater variety of sex acts than women do.

Men initiate sex often and refuse it rarely. Women initiate it much more rarely and refuse it much more often than men. Given an opportunity for sex, men leap at it, while women say no.

Women find it easier than men to go without sex. An adult woman who is between relationships can easily go for months, sometimes even years, hardly thinking of sex and not minding if she doesn’t have it. Men go nuts without sex (or at least some do). A man who loses his girlfriend will often start masturbating by the next day or two.

Even when both men and women make a heartfelt, sacred vow of chastity, the men find it much harder to keep than women.

Because of the above reason, women now believe that the easiest way to punish their husbands is starving them of sex when they feel offended by the men.

This is why an Orile Customary Court in Lagos, Nigeria was thrown into bewilderment as a 45-year-old woman confessed to having starved her husband of sex for 18 years to punish him for his wrong doings.

“I did this because my husband refused to financially care for my children and I. He also abuses me verbally and physically abuse and demands for sex in harsh ways. He beats me up whenever I ask for the children’s school fees and feeding allowance.”

 She filed for divorce in court and her husband who happens to be a pastor denied the allegations his wife levelled against him. He described her as a well known street fighter whose regular fracas with people caused the landlord to eject them from their house.

Another woman, a trader, told a court last week that she will continue to deny her husband of 12 years sex until he pays her the money he owes her.

“I have been denying my husband sex because he borrowed N690,000 from me and has refused to pay. I will continue to starve him of sex until he pays the money,” she said.

She, like the other woman, accused her husband, Akeem, of always swearing and cursing her with a charm, which, according to her, is affecting her life negatively.

She, however, urged the court not to grant her husband’s wish for the dissolution of their marriage, saying that she was still in love with him.

In his defence, her businessman husband said: “My wife does not want me to touch her nor make love to her, I am tired of the marriage because I am neither a stick nor a stone.”

He pleaded with the court to dissolve the union since he was no longer interested and did not love her any more.

The above cases are clear examples that women can actually use sex as a weapon to fight their wives. But the question is: with the conclusion of the research, did the men stay away from sex because their wives denied them?

Men speak

Mr George Okagbare, a health safety and environmentalist, asked what he would do if his wife denies him of sex, he says if that is what she wants, “I will not do anything but to stay. I will try to dialogue though, because, according to the scripture, both of us should not deny each other our body because one belongs to the other.

“The woman should not believe that denying her husband sex will make her achieve her goal because I believe there are three schools of thoughts to that. There is the school of thought that will say, if she doesn’t want to give her body, she should leave his house. Another will say if she doesn’t want, she should stay because there are other women outside who will gladly give him sex; while the third which I belong to will try to dialogue.

“She should be careful because if a man is pushed to the wall too much, especially when it has to do with sex, he will go outside to get it.”

Mr Okoro Frank, a journalist, does not agree with Okagbare. He says he will not dialogue but go and revive all his former relationships which he had kept in the past.

“I will not beg her until she is ready to come back to her senses. How can a woman I married, housed and clothed deny me of sex? She will beg me at the end of the day because I will go and wake up all my past relationships. Did her mother do that to her father? It cannot even happen to me. The bible too says submit all yourself to your husband and husband love your wife.”

For Mr Emmanuel Etim, a programmer, sex is something that is emotionally attached, so one shouldn’t force somebody that is not interested into it. “If I need sex from my wife, I need to make sure she is in that mood, if not I cannot force her. If she says she won’t give me sex because I cannot meet her demands, I will explain to her why I cannot meet her demands and as a Christian I will talk to her about it, but if she continues, I will hold on until she comes to her senses.”

Mr Muda Ganiyu didn’t mince words, he just told this reporter that he will marry another woman or get himself a sexy girlfriend.

A procurement specialist, Emeka Nsolube, says a wife should not starve her husband of sex but if it happens to him, he will first call a marriage counsellor to talk to both of them so they can know where the problem is from.

“It may be emotional pains or any other problem that we can work together to amend, but if it continues after all these, then I will decide on what do to.”

On whether a woman should deny her husband of sex because he owes her money, he said, “I don’t believe that a woman should deny her husband sex because he owes her money. Any woman that does that needs counselling. She needs to understand that it is not all about money.”

Mr Samuel Kenneth, an instrumentalist, says although it cannot happen to him, he knows of someone who it has happened to. “He is a church member whose wife denied him of sex. He ended up raping her. When she reported to my pastor, he told her that she caused it.”

Mr Adeshina Orowale, an accountant, believes that for every action, there must be a reaction. “Before she will starve me of sex, I must have done something that caused the reaction, so what I will do is to try as much as possible to find out what caused it. If after I have done that, she still insists without any genuine excuse, I will try about three times, then threaten her that I will go out and marry another woman or meet the women waiting for me.

“I know my wife very well; she will not want to hear that. I am very sure she cannot continue because she knows the danger in it. But if she insists that I should go out, I will stay like that because I cannot really go out. Before I married her, I wasn’t doing it, so I can stay without doing it; it will even make me stronger.”

Kelechi Eze who is about two years old in his marriage says there must be a reason for the action, but that particular action requires a serious and urgent dialogue.

“After the hearty dialogue, I will consult our marriage counsellor, then follow it from there. I don’t know what I will do, but I will do the needful.”

Steven Adeola, a lecturer, says he will first plead with her because if he doesn’t do that and she continues, he will be tempted to commit adultery, which is against his faith and belief. “If she still insists, I will invite someone she respects and listens to. But, again, if she insists and it is clear that I have not offended her to deserve it, then God has to intervene because the truth is that man is sex-driven and if denied for too long, something bad will happen.”

Yomi Afe says he will try to know why she is denying him, and if it is his fault, he will make amends and try to settle it, but if she insists, “I will go for pay-as-you-go.”